Jayheart is dead.

He bled out slowly over time and met a swift end with the click of a mouse at the control panel. I miss him, I miss my friends, but I miss my life more. Time is different, measured differently, perceived differently. I used to daydream of raising chocobo's, trick attacks, rangers using guns, shiny paladins, and a BRD in every party.

Now I dream of a family, a Son, a happy wife, a clean house and a clean garage. I'm excited about my Son. I'm saddened by the life I've given up. I hate how selfish I've been. How I've neglected my life and my wife. I've lived in a hole, in a tube, in the world of Van' Deiliai.

An Ode to Jay, how stupid am I? It's true that a piece of you exist elsewhere. That your mind projects into the character. You become what consumes your thoughts. And my thoughts were consumed by Jayheart. He still exist in my mind, he still exists in my thoughts, but I breathe life into other thoughts now. You have to or else you suffocate.

I'm sure others feel the same way that I've felt. I'm sure others have walked the same path and wonder how they could ever make their life change. It's sad to see all of my friends quitting. I find myself looking for the next game we'll play together. The friends I had, I miss and wish there was still a forum to share the laughs with (there is).

But I think of the words that changed my mind. A poem I wrote my wife, ending with the words "I wonder when she'll say, 'I'm glad you don't play any more'". Although I don't think I've heard all of those exact words in that sentence structure, I know she's thought it, I know she's laughed more, I know she's appreciated me more, and she can depend on me more.

I go back and forth between enjoying the new changes in my life. I work out more, I eat better, I drink less, I spend more time with my family, I spend more time with friends. I still yearn to log in, succeed, win, get that item I've dreampt of for years, kill the bad guys, laugh with the friends, and overall, adventure.

But life calls and I need to learn to make my own adventures, my own risks, and successes in my own life. I will draw on Van' Daileilee or however you spell it, and grow. If I can be as happy in the real world, as the happiness I perceived in the online realm, my family and I will both be truly blessed.